end of year dedications and post on legendary leaders summit is in the making. taking a really long time.

i think that i'm a person who reflects alot, but i don't seem to be able to come up with solutions to my many problems. sometimes, thinking so much really drives me crazy. i think so much about the past, so much about the future, that sometimes, i forget to live the present. i think so much about the future, i know exactly the kind of life that i want, but the scary thing is, i can never see myself being that person i want to be. i don't know how to get from here, to there. sometimes, growing up is so tedious, so excruciatingly painful.

today, i was in the midst of packing when i came across a piece of paper of new year resolutions i wrote last december. it said to get a gold for syf, to get a silver for napha and 70%s for all my pprs. the first two i achieved, and i'm proud of it. the third i'll work towards very hard this year. sometimes, reflecting on the year makes you feel that you could have done so much better. then again, i do this every year and once the new year starts, i'll be too busy and caught up in work and life i won't remember anything i've promised myself before the year began.

christmas is coming. this year seems to have passed frighteningly fast. life seemed to have flown by in big chunks. syf, pop, struggle with dm, exams, moving out. what's even more scary is that my entire life this year seems to have been centralized around band, band and more band. makes me wonder what will life be like when i leave, makes me think of the legacy i really want to leave behind with that part of me that will always be with the band.

i'm going to continue packing now. packing always makes me feel nostalgic. feels like i'm putting away the past, shelving away all the little bits of me and looking forward to a new chapter of life. i don't really like moving on, always a very sad thing.

so bloody fucking tired already.

i need someone who really, really understands how i feel.

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You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

Which ever way you turn you feel that you are being utterly thwarted. There is considerable conflict in the air but you will stick to your beliefs and not be deterred in endeavouring to attain your objectives.

Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.

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i need people who do things without having me telling them every little instruction and reminder, even people who are supposed to be leading others. right now, my juniors are a great source of comfort because i know that they try to understand the reason behind everything i do, they understand it when i blow up at them, they understand the painstaking efforts to every step i take. and its great to know whatever goes wrong, my juniors will always listen to what i say. its great to know there's someone who believes in me and is behind me, trusting that what i do would be right.

because when people start doubting you, questioning you, showing you that you are in fact, a terrible example, a lousy dm, a useless senior, its when i start to doubt myself. and everything i've built to keep myself from crumbling collapses.

i keep telling myself, 'i am a pillar of the band, i must not crumble'. just sometimes, it gets too much. no one's helping.
i've never felt so alone in my life.

i don't really like posting with livejournal. the complicated community and unfamiliar layout, i guess. plus the annoying spellcheck thing. i used to be able to right click, and it'll make it right for me. tsk. i miss wordpress.


plus the posting is all weird. all my words mashed up together.


life has been exceedingly boring and un-accomplishing. needless to say, homework is undone/not started. i need to pack the room and organize my life before school starts or i'll wind up having a hellish messed up semester again.


today, ms choo (the piano teacher) told me, "what happened to you! last time you used to be so on, now slack so much liao". and it reminded me of the start where piano used to be a huge priority because i loved it so much. other stuff started taking over, like school and band and sleep. all extra time is spent on self. i should start prioritizing, really.


last night, i dreamt of ms sia. it was dammmmmn scary! in my dream, i spotted her and tried to run away quietly, but she spotted me and shouted, "SEE ME DON'T NEED TO GREET IS IT?!" then she was whacking me and scolding me for walking like a penguin. OMGOMGOMGOMG -freaks out-


i haven't posted about aaaalot of things. band camp, jubilate VI, POP, class outing, annoying woman i met on the train. i feel like facebook-ing and slacking around now so i shall not continue. some other day, perhaps.


life is monotonous. for now.